May 4 • 8M

DRISTAN RANT: THE SCOTUS WANTS SLAVERY BACK

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Shots fired! 

Welcome to the Culture War! 

It’s been gestating a mighty long time, but the beast is now with us.  

The invertebrate, hyper-Catholic ghouls on the Supreme Court launched their biggest harpoon straight at the golden womb of Kim Kardashian herself last night, and all she represents on her fanciest night out.( And what does she represent exactly? The idea that money makes motherhood conveniently invisible? The sexual conquering of Pete Davidson?  Does she see herself as some incarnation of Marilyn Monroe, or just the icon who is entrusted to wear her $5m vintage dress? I don’t fucking care, but Kim is actually important at this moment. She was the great visual sting of all this transvaginal fuckery — the fancy gift bag the Supreme Court news came in, along with an Empress chinchilla smallpox blanket.)

 Goebbels himself would have adored the timing.  That, Ladies and Gentlemen, was the social engineering bitchslap to end all bitchslaps.  *GONG*  You think you run the world, culture?  Said our Government, in a hissy, ghosty voice.  

We’re putting a bunch of dead teenage girls in the Anna Wintour Fashion Institute punch bowl.  Who’s the Daddy now? 

As if some Deep Throat voice came growling up from 86th and Park Avenue and whispered to Kim: Nice Marilyn Monroe dress, hooker.  The government is still your daddy. And daddy hasn’t approved of girls like you…ever. 

They’ve done it now; they’ve decided we’re cattle again.  Mommy’s gonna have to go to jail now, Kaylee. 

It’s a fucking bloodbath, and all women should move to Canada. I’m hopping, spitting, fighting mad, and disgusted, and horrified, and I burn with a raw, visceral need to tattoo Alito’s forehead with a crudely-drawn dong and strap him naked to the fence at a Florida petting zoo. 

I feel like I saw this bitchslap coming over the horizon for years — this brutal assault on the humanity of women.   It started out years ago when I was investigating semiotics in advertising, and I started noticing a pervasive subliminal psychological code going on in the luxury advertisements in women’s magazines.  The message that I kept seeing, over and over again, is, “Girls, you are disposable.” 

That’s why you need surgeries, and diets, and exercise regimens, and workouts, and face creams, and dye jobs, and makeup, and all that great stuff that being a woman is all about:  the constant messaging that you need to hate yourself enough to be competing, and you need to compete to be whole. 

This is how men have always wanted to see us - subjugated.   They have always, deep in their ids, wanted to impregnate as many of us as possible, with no regard for the consequences.   What I grew to suspect, looking more and more into advertising and psychology, is that men and women are locked in a death-dance of manufactured incompatibility. The social chemistries have been tampered with to death by free Porn. What was possible between men and women isn’t in the same ways anymore — and yet we are throwing women’s reproductive rights back into the 1950’s, when women were thought of exclusively as wives. 

The whole idea that women's efforts and careers and dreams have been officially deemed disposable in the world — that little girls with pregnancies from incest will have to carry that fetus to term —  and the only thing we're good for is the gestation of an unwanted clot of cells -- it proves to me that men hate us more than I feared, and I feared A LOT. This is a lot a lot, like GILEAD. 

There are 166.7 million women in the US, and a Supreme Court that is completely full of horrible old barnacles has decided what to do with our bodies?  How is this not unlike slavery?  And how is this not organized religion interfering in politics, when the law of the land now says that the soul enters the body at conception? What Golden law book is that in? Is that based on science

Now that we have so many women in the armed forces, we have women who can get shot in the uterus, but they aren’t allowed jurisdiction over it.  I am tired of acting like a good liberal and not overturning cop cars. 

This is a calamitous digression, profoundly misaligned with modern womanhood. 

So, I’ve decided there is a lot to learn about laws, and how to correctly point them.  I’ve come up with a few new ones: 

  1. Mandatory chemical castration for all convicted rapists and pedophiles, starting now.  Sex pests all get to be eunuchs.  No exceptions. 

2.   Viagra should be as hard to get as the Morning After Pill. 

3.  Victims of incest, if forced to carry unwanted children to term, should be given free college educations, welfare, housing and unlimited child care services. 

(This isn’t enough - they should also be able to honor-kill their uncles, but I digress into the ways of more barbaric societies that are really not all that unlike our own, like the Taliban.) 

4.  Victims of religious persecution (and I include anyone gay or female who had to grow up in a Fundamentalist household) should be able to wildly sue any person or relative who religiously abused them.

5.  Birth control should enjoy some of the technological advances enjoyed by big dick aerospace whimsies like Space X.  If pregnancy is the enemy, then we need better, more elegant, more available weapons at our disposal to prevent it.  I mean, what the fuck happened to the Today sponge?  A little toxic shock syndrome didn’t kill the trusty tampon.  Bring back that convenient little sperm-killer. 

And Apple, get the hell on it. 

6.  Men who vote pro-life should be forced to carry a coconut in their anus for a minimum of 6 months.  Then in the last 3 months, a much larger coconut. 

7.  A full, open and total accountability of all sperm 

 I don’t know what to do. 

Write to representatives in your county. 

Write to your senators.  

Kim Kardashian must use her new powers as an attorney to save women’s reproductive health.  It must be her life-mission.  It’s the only way we’ll get anywhere. 

Artwork: Tammy vs. Tarantula, oil pastel on canvas, Cintra Wilson, 2019. Cintraw@gmail.com.