UNITED NUDE

Critically Shopping for the NYT

(This article first appeared in the New York Times in 2011.)

I stumbled into a United Nude for the first time in Miami's design district, a couple of weeks ago. I was curious, because I was told that the Creative Director of United Nude was the legendary Dutch architect Rem Koolhaas.

This turned out to be a completely specious masterpiece of sleazy PR.

United Nude's Creative Director is Dutch architect Rem D. Koolhaas, who is not to be confused with his esteemed uncle, Dutch architect Rem Koolhaas...but there is confusion, to the obvious advantage of Rem D. His partner in United Nude is Galahad Clark, a member of the of the family that has controlled Britain's Clark shoe empire for seven generations. So -- it is safe to say that nepotism has played some role in the formation of United Nude. But the Koolhaas name, however misleading, got me in the door.

Once inside, a pair of black elastic "X Wedge" sandals managed to sweet talk their way onto my feet. I liked where they sat on the spectrum of summer shoes: tall enough to keep your naked feet elevated above filthy New York sidewalks; and sexy, but with a bit of growl and bite to them -- something Tank Girl might wear to a Brooklyn tailgate party. They were relatively comfortable and non-blister inducing, so I was hooked for $215, and curious enough about United Nude to swing by their store on Bond Street once back in NYC.

Apart from conveniently inherited names, there other signature United Nude gambits -- all of which you will probably like better if you avoid reading their pretentious press statements.

There is what they call a "Lo Res" sculpture on the sales floor -- a jewel-faceted, shiny black enamel art thing that looks sort of like a fetal Lamborghini.

The store claims to be "a 'dark-shop' concept" -- i.e., it's bloody dark in there. The only illuminated area is what they call their trademarked "Wall of Light" - a jumpy, computer controlled LED edifice that throbs discothequishly in ever-changing colors and serves as a backlight behind the open cubby-holes showcasing the shoes.

The colors dramatically undulate along to the soundtrack, which bounces from Lady Gaga to Edith Piaf -- so if you need to know what colors the shoes actually are, you basically need to wait for a lull in the rhythm section.

And the shoes are colorful. A good percentage of them are constructed of nifty, sturdy elastics, woven (I was told by the salesman) at the company's textile factory in Guangzhou, China. These are striped in glamorously clashing, saturated designer colors -- neon pinks on midnight blues on egg-yolk yellows on treefrog greens -- and whole Pantone wheel of other kicky hues in combinations redolent of summer camp lanyards or Pendleton Navajo blankets. The thicker elastics are grooved, leafy and wide enough to be folded over a bootie form (in three different heel heights: from grandma to mum to little Nymphette), from which the ankle seems to emerge organically like the stem of a skunk-cabbage. (Flat rainbow bootie with thin sneaker sole, $175)

There are a number of variations on the Möbius shoe - an open hole that creates an illusion of a nearly invisible heel, at some angles - which the United Nude literature proclaims was "inspired by the Barcelona chair design of famous architect Mies van der Rohe and based on the infinity loop of the Möbius strip." (Italics mine).

There are a number of rubberized, pastel and neutral-colored flats (most around $70) and higher heels of an injection-molded chemical substance that composes what they call "vegetan" leather. These, for the most part, essentially look like what happens when a chubby little pair of Crocs gets picked up at a nightclub and ends up passed out in a hotel sauna.

Both United Nude stores seemed to go out of their way to employ attractive, spoiled, twenty-something fashion-victim chicks that really can't be bothered by such annoyances as actual customers. The impolite art-school imp on Bond Street was barely aware of anything but her own intricate wonderfulness until I finally walked up to the register with a two-tone elastic macramé pump in my hand ($235) and asked for a pair to try on.

"I think that one's probably your size," she said, with an economy of interest. "Try that one on and see if it fits and then if you want, I'll go get you the other one."

She had mastered the soft sell, anyway.

In one of the essays in the seminal book S, M, L, XL, the original Rem Koolhaas, declared that among other things, progress, identity and the city were no more. “Relief … it’s over. That is the story of the city. The city is no longer. We can leave the theatre now...”

It may seem that my critical approach to retail fashion has been to go in like Sir Lawrence Olivier in "Marathon Man": with a tray of power tools, intent on performing involuntary Nazi dental surgery on designers while dementedly screaming, "Is it safe!?"

But I have been looking for generosity of vision. I ask clothes questions, like: Who are you for? What do you say about the person who wears you? Are you functional? Have you discovered an empowering, liberating new silhouette - like Christian Dior and Yves St. Laurent so nobly did in their days - that calls forth strengths never before realized in the feminine character? Or are you bombing women back to the Goldwater era? Does this line help my life or hinder it?

In short: Is it safe?!

United Nude: yeah. It's safe. It's pretty thin gruel -- nothing groundbreaking in the way of architecture theory, certainly -- but there are some relatively decent examples of footwear, if you like that kind of thing.

May you be United in Nudity - with or without Rem D. Koolhaas.

WOOED: Borrowing a bit heavily from the name and fame of his architect uncle Rem Koolhaas, architect Rem D. Koolhaas and partner Galahad Clark present an interesting, if somewhat dilettante-ish, collection of designs and pretensions.

RUDE: If you're the type who is put off easily by aloof sales staffers, don't bother, but it's a fun place to go dip your toes in the pungent attitude. Part of the flora, if you will.

SCANTILY SHOED: In the end, the footwear isn't bad, for designery-looking chunks of molded plastic with big Chinese elastic straps all over them - and, like nudity, the price point range covers just about everyone.

Contact me at Cintraw@gmail.com

CINTRA WILSON IS ALSO ACCEPTING PAINTING COMMISSIONS.

Theme song: Jack Black

Artwork: “Devki,” oil on canvas, Cintra Wilson 2022