That portrait is wonderfully odd and uncanny and the dad is a dolt. He commissioned a painting, for heaven's sake, not a polaroid. Haggling as he did is grotesque.
Maybe the father hired you primarily for someone to talk to, to interact with, the painting itself being secondary. He was in some sort of pain that he was embarassed to discuss with anyone outright. His pain took the form of ugly remarks because he was afraid to speak about his deep problem. He was losing his mind. He probably needs to read Sartre......and maybe a few pages of Norman Vincent Peale.
My M.F.A. thesis was on the portrait in an age of modern art,or some such crap, because all my paintings at the time came from an attempt to exorcise a couple of failed relationships that I should have known better than to take seriously. I went straight from that into the art museum racket, in which I dealt with wealthy women who, if they liked my work, wanted me to paint their children, their pets, or,
( continued) more fraught with peril, themselves looking lovingly at a grandchild in the sunlight while clutching a pet. (Mrs. Boone Pickens, as she was at the time.) If you must undertake such a task, just flatter the pluperfect hell out of every living thing in the picture. It is true that you can’t see them as they see themselves or their spawn, but it’s metaphysically impossible to do so, just don’t even try…just suck up to everybody in the photograph until your head threatens to collapse, and if it occurs to you never to do it again, cling to that thought as though your very life was hanging in the balance.
This is actually what puzzles me. I guess I misunderstood what Substack is. I got on it to read a series of articles by Merrill Markoe about love, marriage and related things, and she didn’t get a bunch of random messages from humorless trolls shaking fingers at her. When I saw your name I jumped right over, because I’ve been a fan of your writing ever since A MASSIVE SWELLING. I greatly enjoyed your funny and relatable piece about artists and their clients. All of a sudden it turned into an advice page from a FAMILY DOLLAR [faux newspaper featuring human interest pieces and entertaining filler to go with ads for local businesses, for those who don’t pick up freebie publications in grocery stores]. Is this a low-class offshoot of the recent phenomenon of people trying to silence comedians for violating current taboos espoused by oversensitive teenagers and the perennially outraged? You are a well-known humorist and social commentator, not an audience member on Jerry Springer.
You know what is most galling? This bullshit happens 400% more often to women than men, and it's usually other women doing the hating. It's the mind-cult of the red state harridan.
I was just reading an article that dared to suggest that the old idea that mothers emasculate their sons and prevent them from being hard charging business bros might not be entirely accurate. The Right is moving heaven and earth right now to shove “Pandora”, the curious woman, back in the box, and young males are very susceptible to that crap. I have one friend, a very talented cartoonist and an “old” millenial, who is infuriated by the term “toxic masculinity” and sees the very concept as some sort of threat. The “new” humorists of NATIONAL LAMPOON and SNL were certainly, in a “just kidding” way, of the opinion that “women aren’t funny,” but it’s patently obvious that the worst missers of the point of your article were members of the weaker sex. (I assume I didn’t need to put “weaker” in quotes or end the sentence with “lol.”)
It was, essentially, a humorous essay, using exaggeration to at least some degree for humorous effect. Ms. Wilson says above, in the post to which I responded: “People who don’t understand that this is a work of humor; please go back to your bomb shelters.” If you look at other columns on Substack by Ms. Wilson, it is obvious that they have a humorous slant, and the commenters seem to understand this. I came to the article in the first place because I have read a couple of her books. They are very funny. The self-righteous and unduly insulting responses of some the participants are uncalled for and “missing the point.”
People have been asking me to paint portraits for 55 years - I NEVER do it. It's impossible to make someone happy with a portrait. To make yourself feel better here google: Lyndon Johnson reaction to Peter Hurd presidential portrait. Upon seeing Picasso's portrait of her, Gertrude Stein remarked, "...But it doesn't look like me." Picasso responded: "In 50 years this is how everyone will know you." When you become a rich and famous painter this man's daughter and your portrait will be riding your coattails to the stars.
I’m shocked that your post generated so many supportive responses. I’m an artist, and by any standards your portrait of the little girl is objectively awful! Your ability and skill level is not up to the task.Portraiture is a very difficult, complicated and specific style of painting.It takes many years of study, with a pro like the instructor, Alain Picard, to even contemplate attempting one... and especially of someone’s young child.You should never have agreed to do this commission. I have so many questions... why didn’t you attempt to obtain better photographs when you knew the original ones were inadequate? Why didn’t get an objective opinion from an artist friend before you sent the photo? You knew you were in over your head from the very beginning. Blaming the father and the child for the “dark circles” seems childish, mean-spirited and irresponsible and then lambasting the Dad’s socioeconomics, politics, looks, lifestyle and the clothing choices when he was disappointed and angry about the shitty end product. And then you quibbled with him over 50 bucks! You should be delighted to have been paid a dime by him and you should hang your head in shame for writing this essay,which says a lot more about you than it does about your client. Jeez. If you are going to continue to do commissions get some professional art training and bone up on some art business knowledge. There are tons of books and videos out there on the subject.And please, for the love of God, get your head out of your ass and grow up!
Your rebuttle is to call me a Karen. So original. Just trying to get you to wise up. What’s humorous about creating a hideous likeness of someone’s child and then getting pissed off b cause he doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to pay you?
Can we finally ditch the term ‘Karen,’ already. It’s trotted out whenever a woman says anything considered offensive by another person, even if the comment’s obviously objectively correct.
Please, Cintra, she can write, very well, in fact. You could consider her criticism, as harsh as it is, put your ego aside, and learn something. She made some good points.
I suspect you knew you produced a less than acceptable painting, and you just immediately became defensive. Attacking your client in your essay with sarcasm and obvious anger is a losing proposition. You’re neither witty nor insightful, and you ultimately sound disappointed in yourself.
I am far from disappointed in myself, and why do assholes like you get on my Substack just to shit on me? If you don't like my work, DON'T LOOK AT IT. I like it fine. Other people like it fine. In fact, the majority of people like it. I don't expect everyone to like everything I do, or agree with everything I do, but I haven't found any of the criticism I have received here to be "constructive," and I find it fucking appalling that people get on here and feel entitled to scold me about my art and my decisions. I'm an artist, not everyone is going to like everything I do -- and that's fine -- but why am I supposed to roll over to shitheads and let them walk all over me? Not in the cards. Come at me, and I will flame the fuck out of you. Unless, of course, you're actually constructive.
Right! Clients can be awful but this is below the level of your average high school student and just not a professional level. You get professional clients that are easier to deal with when your work actually justifies is.
I absolute LOVE the painting, and, if it is within my “budget”, would certainly buy it if for sale (fingers crossed hopefully). It captures a goofy sooner trickster quality of mischief-making exactly like the granddaughter I’ve been babysitting since she was born exhibits. She bites her sister (or grandma) and then immediately feels much better having let off the steam, and then lovingly tries to console her victim with cute smiles and gifts. And she Carrie’s around a babydoll, often dangling it by a limb. It’s a great portrait!
That painting actually looks a lot like the mural I was paid to do once of a family’s kids. In their basement play room. While they ran around like, well, like kids and bugged me and called me names. When I told them to knock it off, they told me they’d get me fired. It was a full wall mural done from photos of the kids on the beach. I don’t think anyone was happy with the end product, but they did pay me… and I almost quit painting. And by the way, I think the goggles are a brilliant touch.
“ — bone structure like Ferraris!” That’s the take away for the day! Yeah, sometimes you just seem to step in it taking a commission you probably have a sense you shouldn’t. Then you wonder how Francesco Goya got away with painting the Spanish royals as they actually were! And he got paid!!!
“As they actually were,” from the looks of the painting, was stupid. On the other hand, the composition is clearly in homage to Velazquez’ LAS MENINAS, and Velazquez clearly painted Philip as he was,and more than once at that.
I love what you came up with. It kind of reminds me of Alice Neel's work. She painted people as they were. In my experience over a zillion different lives as a potter, painter, and seamstress, it never paid to take on commissions. I may go as far as to say some people who request commissions have already decided they will raise a stink so they can get a lower price. That's why it is imperative to get at least 1/2 the price as a non-refundable down payment. But we live and learn. I paint for me exclusively now, subjects of my choice, hoping to sell, but not counting on it. I'd rather skip a meal or two than sell my soul. Keep painting. Keep writing. YOU WILL BE OK! I'm an old lady, I know stuff!
Elizabeth is right about people requesting commissions with the intention of using fake ire to grind down the price. It never happened to me because my lack of gumption kept the prices well below reasonable. A very sharp art dealer told me that poor people who paid out purchases installments for a year would never do you ill, but rich people would go through the labors of Hercules to screw you out of a hundred bucks.
Thank you, Mark for sharing the advice of the, "Very sharp art dealer". It is so true. As for why you kept your prices low, I can relate to that. No matter which of my original pots, paintings, gowns, etc. I had for sale, I always priced too low due to my lack of, "gumption". After years of selling myself short, I finally saw the light. When I quoted a client (previously unknown to me), on the last commissioned painting I ever did, he declined to pay it, and insisted on paying double!
No need. Lesson learned: when quoting a price for commissioned work., figure out a price, then double it. You can always lower it, but not increase it unless of course the client chooses to be extra generous and offers more. PS: The aforementioned client had no other expectations than receiving a painting he loved!
I want every kiddo in my piercing chair to feast their eyes on this Dr. Evil/ Bettie Davis love child. The Fanatical Fanta orange goggles will no doubt bring flights of soda pop giggles to the children of Blue Lotus. Fanta flavored gummy giggle goggles are included with every service.
This hilariously encapsulates why I rarely accept commissions. There is only one possible scenario where I would undertake a commission like that: They will pay the full amount upfront and accept whatever I deem appropriate - no arguments or changes, whatever the outcome. The artist is always right. Anyone who asks an artist to undertake a commission must trust that the artist is a god in their own domain and thus infallible. I know this to be true because I worked as a commercial artist for many years where the client is always right (even when they are often patently wrong).
There’s a reason Leonardo had “Mona Lisa” in his possession when he died. It’s quite likely he never finished it to his satisfaction, but it’s equally likely that Lisa didn’t like the expression on her face and told Sr. Giaacondo not to pay for it.
You had me laughing so hard reading this that I had to take off my glasses to wipe the tears from my eyes. Those day glow goggles are absolutely brilliant!
That portrait is wonderfully odd and uncanny and the dad is a dolt. He commissioned a painting, for heaven's sake, not a polaroid. Haggling as he did is grotesque.
Thank you Sir. I deeply appreciate it.
Maybe the father hired you primarily for someone to talk to, to interact with, the painting itself being secondary. He was in some sort of pain that he was embarassed to discuss with anyone outright. His pain took the form of ugly remarks because he was afraid to speak about his deep problem. He was losing his mind. He probably needs to read Sartre......and maybe a few pages of Norman Vincent Peale.
Or maybe he’s just an asshole.
"Nobody is capable of seeing someone else’s child through the Vaseline delusions of parenthood."
"I should have known what a sniveling half-person, soulless yuppie and unmanned predator drone he was just by the fact that he is a lawyer."
These are PRICELESS & HILARIOUS.
XO - Bob
You da man Bob
My M.F.A. thesis was on the portrait in an age of modern art,or some such crap, because all my paintings at the time came from an attempt to exorcise a couple of failed relationships that I should have known better than to take seriously. I went straight from that into the art museum racket, in which I dealt with wealthy women who, if they liked my work, wanted me to paint their children, their pets, or,
( continued) more fraught with peril, themselves looking lovingly at a grandchild in the sunlight while clutching a pet. (Mrs. Boone Pickens, as she was at the time.) If you must undertake such a task, just flatter the pluperfect hell out of every living thing in the picture. It is true that you can’t see them as they see themselves or their spawn, but it’s metaphysically impossible to do so, just don’t even try…just suck up to everybody in the photograph until your head threatens to collapse, and if it occurs to you never to do it again, cling to that thought as though your very life was hanging in the balance.
People that don't understand that this is a work of humor: please go back to your bomb-shelters.
This is actually what puzzles me. I guess I misunderstood what Substack is. I got on it to read a series of articles by Merrill Markoe about love, marriage and related things, and she didn’t get a bunch of random messages from humorless trolls shaking fingers at her. When I saw your name I jumped right over, because I’ve been a fan of your writing ever since A MASSIVE SWELLING. I greatly enjoyed your funny and relatable piece about artists and their clients. All of a sudden it turned into an advice page from a FAMILY DOLLAR [faux newspaper featuring human interest pieces and entertaining filler to go with ads for local businesses, for those who don’t pick up freebie publications in grocery stores]. Is this a low-class offshoot of the recent phenomenon of people trying to silence comedians for violating current taboos espoused by oversensitive teenagers and the perennially outraged? You are a well-known humorist and social commentator, not an audience member on Jerry Springer.
You know what is most galling? This bullshit happens 400% more often to women than men, and it's usually other women doing the hating. It's the mind-cult of the red state harridan.
I was just reading an article that dared to suggest that the old idea that mothers emasculate their sons and prevent them from being hard charging business bros might not be entirely accurate. The Right is moving heaven and earth right now to shove “Pandora”, the curious woman, back in the box, and young males are very susceptible to that crap. I have one friend, a very talented cartoonist and an “old” millenial, who is infuriated by the term “toxic masculinity” and sees the very concept as some sort of threat. The “new” humorists of NATIONAL LAMPOON and SNL were certainly, in a “just kidding” way, of the opinion that “women aren’t funny,” but it’s patently obvious that the worst missers of the point of your article were members of the weaker sex. (I assume I didn’t need to put “weaker” in quotes or end the sentence with “lol.”)
What was the ‘point’ that the ‘missers’’ didn’t get, Mark?
It was, essentially, a humorous essay, using exaggeration to at least some degree for humorous effect. Ms. Wilson says above, in the post to which I responded: “People who don’t understand that this is a work of humor; please go back to your bomb shelters.” If you look at other columns on Substack by Ms. Wilson, it is obvious that they have a humorous slant, and the commenters seem to understand this. I came to the article in the first place because I have read a couple of her books. They are very funny. The self-righteous and unduly insulting responses of some the participants are uncalled for and “missing the point.”
I absolutely love you, Mark Morey.
You’re sounding like Mr. Victim, his Majesty D.J.Trump.
Go to hell
Very mature comments, Cintra.
If you want to put your art out there, you can expect all kinds of feedback.
Why don't you go drink yourself to death instead of trolling artists?
People have been asking me to paint portraits for 55 years - I NEVER do it. It's impossible to make someone happy with a portrait. To make yourself feel better here google: Lyndon Johnson reaction to Peter Hurd presidential portrait. Upon seeing Picasso's portrait of her, Gertrude Stein remarked, "...But it doesn't look like me." Picasso responded: "In 50 years this is how everyone will know you." When you become a rich and famous painter this man's daughter and your portrait will be riding your coattails to the stars.
Hahahaha he'll deny he ever knew me, more like!
You are already more famous than this guy. Lawyer, whatshisname?
I’m shocked that your post generated so many supportive responses. I’m an artist, and by any standards your portrait of the little girl is objectively awful! Your ability and skill level is not up to the task.Portraiture is a very difficult, complicated and specific style of painting.It takes many years of study, with a pro like the instructor, Alain Picard, to even contemplate attempting one... and especially of someone’s young child.You should never have agreed to do this commission. I have so many questions... why didn’t you attempt to obtain better photographs when you knew the original ones were inadequate? Why didn’t get an objective opinion from an artist friend before you sent the photo? You knew you were in over your head from the very beginning. Blaming the father and the child for the “dark circles” seems childish, mean-spirited and irresponsible and then lambasting the Dad’s socioeconomics, politics, looks, lifestyle and the clothing choices when he was disappointed and angry about the shitty end product. And then you quibbled with him over 50 bucks! You should be delighted to have been paid a dime by him and you should hang your head in shame for writing this essay,which says a lot more about you than it does about your client. Jeez. If you are going to continue to do commissions get some professional art training and bone up on some art business knowledge. There are tons of books and videos out there on the subject.And please, for the love of God, get your head out of your ass and grow up!
You know, you really can't write. You can't get two sentences out before suggesting that you are entirely humorless and Karenish.
Your rebuttle is to call me a Karen. So original. Just trying to get you to wise up. What’s humorous about creating a hideous likeness of someone’s child and then getting pissed off b cause he doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to pay you?
Can we finally ditch the term ‘Karen,’ already. It’s trotted out whenever a woman says anything considered offensive by another person, even if the comment’s obviously objectively correct.
someone has trouble with critique
Please, Cintra, she can write, very well, in fact. You could consider her criticism, as harsh as it is, put your ego aside, and learn something. She made some good points.
I suspect you knew you produced a less than acceptable painting, and you just immediately became defensive. Attacking your client in your essay with sarcasm and obvious anger is a losing proposition. You’re neither witty nor insightful, and you ultimately sound disappointed in yourself.
I am far from disappointed in myself, and why do assholes like you get on my Substack just to shit on me? If you don't like my work, DON'T LOOK AT IT. I like it fine. Other people like it fine. In fact, the majority of people like it. I don't expect everyone to like everything I do, or agree with everything I do, but I haven't found any of the criticism I have received here to be "constructive," and I find it fucking appalling that people get on here and feel entitled to scold me about my art and my decisions. I'm an artist, not everyone is going to like everything I do -- and that's fine -- but why am I supposed to roll over to shitheads and let them walk all over me? Not in the cards. Come at me, and I will flame the fuck out of you. Unless, of course, you're actually constructive.
Her sense of humor has nothing to do with her critique of your painting.
Right! Clients can be awful but this is below the level of your average high school student and just not a professional level. You get professional clients that are easier to deal with when your work actually justifies is.
Thanks Katie: you totally nailed it. The portrait is amateurish crapola. There - I said it!
You’re the lawyer under a made-up name, aren’t you, “Katie”?
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hilarious... quite the satirist.
Good lord. It’s a humor column, not “Dear Abby” for any volunteer Abby who wants to jump in.
I know, right? It's baffling.
Two things:
1) Man, do I wish I wasn’t a poor bitch because I sooo want to BUY THAT PAINTING.
2) “Alcoholic potato” is *chef’s kiss* 🤌🏼 I’m CRYING.
❤️
Thank you kindly Ms. Andrews!
You are MOST welcome, funny lady!
I absolute LOVE the painting, and, if it is within my “budget”, would certainly buy it if for sale (fingers crossed hopefully). It captures a goofy sooner trickster quality of mischief-making exactly like the granddaughter I’ve been babysitting since she was born exhibits. She bites her sister (or grandma) and then immediately feels much better having let off the steam, and then lovingly tries to console her victim with cute smiles and gifts. And she Carrie’s around a babydoll, often dangling it by a limb. It’s a great portrait!
I am so stoked you like it! I emailed you! XXX
Thank you! :-) I’m going to open it now.
I responded via email. Thank you! :-)
The goggles are the coup de grace, brava. Do you know why they bury lawyers 12 feet under? Because deep down they're really nice.
That's a good one! There's also: What do you call 2000 dead lawyers?
A: A good start!
That painting actually looks a lot like the mural I was paid to do once of a family’s kids. In their basement play room. While they ran around like, well, like kids and bugged me and called me names. When I told them to knock it off, they told me they’d get me fired. It was a full wall mural done from photos of the kids on the beach. I don’t think anyone was happy with the end product, but they did pay me… and I almost quit painting. And by the way, I think the goggles are a brilliant touch.
Thank you! You feel my pain!
WC Fields: never work with children or animals. So, stay away from the dog portraits! I really like the goggles. Can we see Voltaire?
The owner would get mad at me.
“ — bone structure like Ferraris!” That’s the take away for the day! Yeah, sometimes you just seem to step in it taking a commission you probably have a sense you shouldn’t. Then you wonder how Francesco Goya got away with painting the Spanish royals as they actually were! And he got paid!!!
“As they actually were,” from the looks of the painting, was stupid. On the other hand, the composition is clearly in homage to Velazquez’ LAS MENINAS, and Velazquez clearly painted Philip as he was,and more than once at that.
Goya nailed it too!🤣
Indeed he did. One of the greatest artists who ever lived.
I love what you came up with. It kind of reminds me of Alice Neel's work. She painted people as they were. In my experience over a zillion different lives as a potter, painter, and seamstress, it never paid to take on commissions. I may go as far as to say some people who request commissions have already decided they will raise a stink so they can get a lower price. That's why it is imperative to get at least 1/2 the price as a non-refundable down payment. But we live and learn. I paint for me exclusively now, subjects of my choice, hoping to sell, but not counting on it. I'd rather skip a meal or two than sell my soul. Keep painting. Keep writing. YOU WILL BE OK! I'm an old lady, I know stuff!
You know stuff! I will!
Elizabeth is right about people requesting commissions with the intention of using fake ire to grind down the price. It never happened to me because my lack of gumption kept the prices well below reasonable. A very sharp art dealer told me that poor people who paid out purchases installments for a year would never do you ill, but rich people would go through the labors of Hercules to screw you out of a hundred bucks.
Thank you, Mark for sharing the advice of the, "Very sharp art dealer". It is so true. As for why you kept your prices low, I can relate to that. No matter which of my original pots, paintings, gowns, etc. I had for sale, I always priced too low due to my lack of, "gumption". After years of selling myself short, I finally saw the light. When I quoted a client (previously unknown to me), on the last commissioned painting I ever did, he declined to pay it, and insisted on paying double!
😳To paraphrase a scientist in the water with a giant alligator in the movie LAKE PLACID: “Suddenly I feel very foolish.”
No need. Lesson learned: when quoting a price for commissioned work., figure out a price, then double it. You can always lower it, but not increase it unless of course the client chooses to be extra generous and offers more. PS: The aforementioned client had no other expectations than receiving a painting he loved!
I want every kiddo in my piercing chair to feast their eyes on this Dr. Evil/ Bettie Davis love child. The Fanatical Fanta orange goggles will no doubt bring flights of soda pop giggles to the children of Blue Lotus. Fanta flavored gummy giggle goggles are included with every service.
I may need to purchase this one for the children of blue lotus
Or at least hang it in my studio and start a goggle war.
YES!!!
Wow. I LOVE THIS PAINTING! It’s complex and interesting and unique. Love the background, love her hair, love her earnest expression. BRAVA!!
Thank you Angel Face!!!
This hilariously encapsulates why I rarely accept commissions. There is only one possible scenario where I would undertake a commission like that: They will pay the full amount upfront and accept whatever I deem appropriate - no arguments or changes, whatever the outcome. The artist is always right. Anyone who asks an artist to undertake a commission must trust that the artist is a god in their own domain and thus infallible. I know this to be true because I worked as a commercial artist for many years where the client is always right (even when they are often patently wrong).
There’s a reason Leonardo had “Mona Lisa” in his possession when he died. It’s quite likely he never finished it to his satisfaction, but it’s equally likely that Lisa didn’t like the expression on her face and told Sr. Giaacondo not to pay for it.
You had me laughing so hard reading this that I had to take off my glasses to wipe the tears from my eyes. Those day glow goggles are absolutely brilliant!